Cancer - Chemo.....and God
I have experienced a rough couple of days. It is typical for me after chemo. The first day after chemo, I am energized with a false sense of being able to run a race, jump tall buildings, or even clean the house from top to bottom. That comes from one of the nausea medications put into my port that is a steroid. I was told before my first treatment to not let that extra energy cause me to "over-do" because it would dissipate quickly and then I would be left with an added tired/weak feeling.
Around 5:00 yesterday evening, I turned on Gilmore Girls (my third time to watch the series) and cuddled up on the couch with my pillow and thick blanket that I recently made with pink ribbons. I stayed there sleeping, waking up and watching a bit of my show, and then off to sleep I would drift again. My first few days I feel tired and when evening comes, I am ready to lay down and just let my body get the rest it requires right now.
Sleeping at night is mixed with dreams and sometimes nightmares that fill the darkness. I wake up several times during the night and each time I feel as if I have been living in this alternate reality.....I don't like it.....and it keeps me from getting good sleep. That happens only a couple of nights or so after chemo, then, I am back to sleeping pretty good all night. At least, after you develop certain patterns, you know what to expect and know that these chemo related events will soon pass.
This morning I woke up with a sadness in my heart. Tears streaming down my face without control. So much has happened so quickly! It is really hard to grasp the reality of the past seven weeks. WOW.....such a world-wind of change.....so much to absorb! The first two weeks were almost every day having mammograms, sonograms, biopsies, consultations, more biopsies, more consultations, meeting surgeon, going to oncology, PET Scan, consultation, port surgery......and a healing plan set-up. And now, it is chemo every two weeks.
Cancer, just like heart disease, diabetes, mental illness, kidney disease, liver failure.....on and on, is not pretty. The disease itself is trying to kill you while the treatments often come close to doing the same. It is a rough journey! In the middle of this negative, we must be able to express all of the ugly in order for God to receive the greatest glory in our healing. He created us human with emotions, fears, concerns, and doubts. He doesn't expect us to not express those realities. If we give the appearance of breezing through without sharing the reality.....then, we are cheating Him of His full praise when He brings us through to the other side.
My faith in Him never wavers. My belief that He is going to bless me with complete earthly healing is never a doubt in my mind. The feeling of Him walking this journey by my side never leaves my consciousness. I trust in Him, His Word, and His Promises. I believe in His Power. But, on those days when I am feeling my worst....God grabs me by my boot straps, pulls me out of my sad place and carries me through to another day. Having bad days does in NO WAY negate our faith in God and His Miraculous Power, but allows us in the middle of our humanness to lean in to Him and allow Him to SHINE! God is always here! God is always good!
It is God's desire not only for our soul to prosper, but for us to prosper in health.
"Beloved, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."
3 John 2
Around 5:00 yesterday evening, I turned on Gilmore Girls (my third time to watch the series) and cuddled up on the couch with my pillow and thick blanket that I recently made with pink ribbons. I stayed there sleeping, waking up and watching a bit of my show, and then off to sleep I would drift again. My first few days I feel tired and when evening comes, I am ready to lay down and just let my body get the rest it requires right now.
Sleeping at night is mixed with dreams and sometimes nightmares that fill the darkness. I wake up several times during the night and each time I feel as if I have been living in this alternate reality.....I don't like it.....and it keeps me from getting good sleep. That happens only a couple of nights or so after chemo, then, I am back to sleeping pretty good all night. At least, after you develop certain patterns, you know what to expect and know that these chemo related events will soon pass.
This morning I woke up with a sadness in my heart. Tears streaming down my face without control. So much has happened so quickly! It is really hard to grasp the reality of the past seven weeks. WOW.....such a world-wind of change.....so much to absorb! The first two weeks were almost every day having mammograms, sonograms, biopsies, consultations, more biopsies, more consultations, meeting surgeon, going to oncology, PET Scan, consultation, port surgery......and a healing plan set-up. And now, it is chemo every two weeks.
Cancer, just like heart disease, diabetes, mental illness, kidney disease, liver failure.....on and on, is not pretty. The disease itself is trying to kill you while the treatments often come close to doing the same. It is a rough journey! In the middle of this negative, we must be able to express all of the ugly in order for God to receive the greatest glory in our healing. He created us human with emotions, fears, concerns, and doubts. He doesn't expect us to not express those realities. If we give the appearance of breezing through without sharing the reality.....then, we are cheating Him of His full praise when He brings us through to the other side.
My faith in Him never wavers. My belief that He is going to bless me with complete earthly healing is never a doubt in my mind. The feeling of Him walking this journey by my side never leaves my consciousness. I trust in Him, His Word, and His Promises. I believe in His Power. But, on those days when I am feeling my worst....God grabs me by my boot straps, pulls me out of my sad place and carries me through to another day. Having bad days does in NO WAY negate our faith in God and His Miraculous Power, but allows us in the middle of our humanness to lean in to Him and allow Him to SHINE! God is always here! God is always good!
It is God's desire not only for our soul to prosper, but for us to prosper in health.
"Beloved, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."
3 John 2
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#MyGoalisCancerFree #MyCancerWarisOn #CrushingCancer
#MyGoalisCancerFree #MyCancerWarisOn #CrushingCancer
#CancerWillNotWin #IAmBeingHealed #MyGoalisCancerFree
Patricia,
ReplyDeleteYou write so beautifully and so poetically. I love that you wrote about being able to express all of the ugly in order for God to receive the greatest glory. You are truly honoring Him.
Emotions are not wrong. They just are what they are and should be expressed. I am so glad that you are trusting completely in Him. Here is a situation that you didn’t “vote for”, but are determined to use it to God’s glory. You are making it “count” for something special. You are USING it for His purposes.
Keep on keeping on. All of our prayers are keeping on – to strengthen you and pray for complete healing.
I love you,
Carole
Thank you so much my dear sister. I feel your prayers and they are treasured. 💗
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